February 7, 2010 at 9:43 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: abc
This is my health: I feel rested, strong and energized in each step I take.
-I will get a diagnosis about my headaches.
-I will keep my thyroid condition under control
-I will not be ashamed of seeking medical care, nor will I be bullied by people who do not choose to see my intentions.
-I will be honest about my pain.
-I will rest when I need it.
These are my relationships: I will develop healthy relationships that nourish my heart and soul.
-I will put Chris in my past.
-I will learn how to handle my anger
-I will deepen my relationship with God
-I will continue to deepen my relationship with my son every moment we have together.
-I will not qualify my friendships.
-I will learn how to accept and appreciate my family.
This is my abundance: I will learn how to not be wasteful with my abundance.
-I will open a savings account.
-I will continue to buy used items instead of new when possible.
-I will pay an honest tithe
-I will find or create a job that meets my needs.
-I will get involved in a debt reduction program.
This is my creativity/purpose: I will embrace my creative gifts in every way possible.
-I will write in some form every day.
-I will investigate new ways of being creative.
-I will read and study the works of creatives who teach the process and refine my own.
This is how I practice self-love/self-care: I will learn to treat myself with value and respect
-I will meditate at least three times a week
-I will find a form of movement I can practice at least three times a week.
-I will see thinks like massage as self care and not indulgence.
-I will take time to read more and settle my mind in the comfort of a book.
This is how I experience happiness/adventure: I will savor every moment
-I will be creative for myself first.
-I will cherish the time I have with Alex.
-I will do things I’ve always hesitated at doing because of fear or doubt.
-I will treat myself as a special and valuable being and honor my needs to have joy.
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February 6, 2010 at 7:21 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: artist's way
Obviously, the point of this is to pick five other lives to lead if I could. This was a surprisingly easy list.
1. Actor
2. Therapist
3. Doctor
4. Painter
5. Dancer
Now I have to figure out a way to bring some small aspect of one or all of these lives into the life I’m living now. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to do that yet, but we’ll see what happens.
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February 6, 2010 at 7:10 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: artist's way
My biggest monster has to be Annella Southwick. I remember when I had to audition for her privately, and I felt like I was facing a firing squad. Every thing I did was looked at under some sort of neutron microscope until she finally asked me why I’d bothered signing up for her class. In her opinion, and this is essentially a quote, I couldn’t sing and shouldn’t bother trying. For YEARS, that haunted me and I felt like I had zero musical talent whatsoever. Yeah, part of it was because I didn’t have a whole lot of self esteem to begin with. The thing of it is though is that a kid shouldn’t be told that their dream is basically hopeless. Looking back, my self-esteem still isn’t the best but I know enough to say that my dream is worth the time because I took the time to imagine it being possible.
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February 6, 2010 at 3:59 am (Uncategorized)
It was an old, brown envelope. As I looked at it, there was something slightly familiar about the script that had written my name is graceful arcs and swirls. The problem was that there was no clue to where it had come from. The postmark had been badly faded by time and weather, and there was no return address. So, I had just one option.
Sitting down at my kitchen table, I tore open the top of the envelope and pulled out a folded piece of paper that seemed to be nearly as old as the envelope. Unfolding it was a careful exercise as I was afraid I might tear the fragile sheets, but when I did I was given a shock that struck me to the core of my being. It was a letter that was nearly 37 years old, and it was from my grandmother. She had written it on the day of my birth and had somehow managed to have it delivered now, when I needed it most.
My dearest Jennifer,
When I saw you in your mother’s arms today, I was filled with such a joy that my heart felt it might overflow. You were tiny, with a head of black hair like your father and grandfather, with rosy cheeks and fingers that wanted to touch and hold everything. While you are my first grandchild, I will say that you are perfect in my eyes. You are what I imagined. So, now I will imagine your future.
I imagine a happy life for you my darling. I imagine laughter and friendship and love without end. Perhaps, there might even be a child for you to call your own. I hope so. I hope you can appreciate the wonderous joy of seeing the world through young eyes and touch things through small fingers. I imagine that whatever pain you face will come and go like the passing of the seasons, and you will learn and grow from whatever you are forced to encounter.
Most of all, my darling girl, I imagine boundless imagination. I give you the gift of stories and dreams and wishes that go on forever. May they light your darkness when nothing else will.
Love,
Grandma Ruth
As I read the letter a second time, I felt the tears slip from my eyes and glide down my cheeks. More than anything, I wished I had been able to know her better. I wish that she had been more than memories that fade over time and a white Christmas tree I can barely recall. Her letter, though, was a gift to me like nothing else I’d ever had. It was like a time machine and a wishing star all in one. Folding it back up, I rose to my feet and I walked up the stairs to my bedroom where I tucked the letter in a drawer. It was a secret. It was my secret. Perhaps, it was even my destiny.
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January 31, 2010 at 12:31 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: abc
1. I’ve been doing more cooking of my own meals and making healthier choices.
2. I bought a plant.
3. I’ve been working very hard on getting rid of the parts of my old life that were holding me back.
4. I transferred all my CDs to my computer.
5. I began work on a play.
6. I took positive steps toward solutions with my health.
7. I stopped stressing out so much about my bills and debt in general. I can only do so much.
8. I’ve begun being a better pet owner and housekeeper.
9. I’ve stopped worrying about the opinions of others.
10. I’ve stood up for myself at important junctures.
11. I’ve asked for help at other important junctures.
12. I’ve told people when I’ve felt wronged and hurt by their actions.
13. I made my peace with some of the demons of my past.
14. I don’t totally blame myself for the ending of my marriage.
15. I’m now taking healthy first steps into the dating world.
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January 31, 2010 at 8:19 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: artist's way
1. Anella Southwick-Made a clear effort to make sure I knew I was incapable of singing on a level she considered worthy. For years afterwards, I didn’t believe I was able to sing at all.
2. Pam Gough-I was told on several occasions that I wasn’t good enough to be an actor in the high school theater department aside from an obscure role where I basically stood in the dark and played the flute.
3. High school classmates-I always felt like a laughing stock among my classmates and could never find a place where I could creatively fit in.
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January 31, 2010 at 2:11 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: artist's way
I am a successful artist seeking her path.
I am filled with possibilities.
I have stories in me waiting to be freed.
I am a person worthy of love and acceptance.
I can become anything I set my mind to be.
I will find work that satisfies me.
I will find a healthy, adult relationship.
I am a good mother on my own terms.
I will find ways to put my talents to use in a creative fashion.
I will find ways to be of service to others.
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January 13, 2010 at 4:37 pm (Uncategorized)
-Exploration 1 (Taken from: How to Be An Explorer of the World)
1. The window affords me a wonderful view of the tree outside.
2. My grandmother’s blanket is still the most comfortable one I own.
3. I like the colors of my towels.
4. My candles fill the room with the best fragrance.
5. I’m something of a movie fiend. (And I’m ok with this. =) )
6. I need to clean out my closet.
7. I need to dust my shelves.
8. I have an awesome collection of ‘neat junk’. (My mom’s term.)
9. My crystal box my great aunt gave me when I got married is still one of my favorite possessions.
10. I enjoy the glow in the dark stars on my wall.
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January 12, 2010 at 3:42 am (Uncategorized)
As I’m trying to follow my friend Andrea’s course on seeking out your dreams, here’s my list so far of what I’d like to accomplish. These are only in the order in which they came to mind.
1. Plant flowers
2. Take photographs
3. Visit Italy
4. Meditate
5. Visit Tibet
6. Visit Canada
7. Swim with dolphins
8. Be in a movie
9. Meet Robert B. Parker
10. Go on a cruise
11. Touch a snow leopard
12. Fall in love
13. Make real friends
14. Drive a sportscar
15. Create a writing workbook.
16. Do more service
17. Adopt a child
18. Go to Sundance
19. Bake cookies from scratch
20. Get a plant
21. Go to open mic night and read a poem
22. Visit England
23. Ride in a limo
24. Keep up a website
25. Go to San Francisco
26. Go to Las Vegas
27. Exercise more
28. Stay at a fancy hotel
29. Get a patio chair
30. Draw
31. Create art to sell
32. Host a party
33. Make jewelry
34. Make a pie
35. Go to a Buddhist temple
36. Try yoga
37. Sing in Church
38. Try Thai food
39. Get a video camera
40. Write a song
41. Learn a language
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January 2, 2010 at 1:11 pm (Uncategorized)
Lately, I’ve been listening to this song a lot and it occurs to me that it’s probably because it’s something of an anthem for my life at this point. I really am not ready to be nice to the people who’ve wronged me, and in fact I should probably be fighting back more than I do. I want to be strong. I want to be brave. I want to do all these things to prove myself, but somehow I just can’t quite do it. I have spent a lot of time trying to make peace with people, and I think I still am. I think, though, that’s on the way out. I’ve been so angry lately, and I think it’s a healthy anger. I’m past the sobbing for hours on end about what’s happened to me. Now, I’m just outraged and I do kind of like it. Weird, huh?
I’m not saying that I’m a weak person. At least, I don’t think I am. I think that I’m just tired of always having to be the one to do the fighting. For most of my childhood, I had to fight against all these obstacles. My parents. My weight. My family. My feeling like something of a freak. It wasn’t fun, but I did survive. Then I went off to college and didn’t fit in there either. That brought on this tailspin of what seemed like an endless string of failures that I think I’m only starting to recover from. Maybe, at this point in my life, I’m just sick of being kicked in the teeth. A person can realistically only take so much before they either break or battle. I’m sick of breaking too.
So, the question remains…what now? To be honest, I’m not really sure. I do need a job. I do need to figure out the custody stuff. Past that, I’m thinking I’m probably going to just take a wait and see attitude. I’ve tried to push things, and that hasn’t gone well. I have learned from it though, and I can’t see how that’s necessarily bad. Perhaps it might just be a matter of taking the long way around in my life and not trying to take a short cut that doesn’t necessarily exist.
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